I'm sorry its been so long!!!

Well all my friends found out about my problem because my ex 'ana buddy' decided to tell them. So I've spent the last month or so faking getting better and actually just continuing as I am. I eat in front of them and then act like I feel unwell so that they wont try to make me eat any more. I don't bother with numbers anymore though. Numbers make everything seem like school. I go off quantity and ofthings that I know are low cal without knowing numbers. I do the same for my exercise, do it until I feel like i'm done, not till the numbers say I am. I've been doing a lot better too. My dad threw out my scales so I'm going off what I can see, but I can see a pretty big change.

I'm quite proud of the change but I want it better. I will make it better.

OhMyGOD

I hate myself right now. my best friends mum took us to this all you can eat buffet place. EVERYTHING tempted me. So I ate like 2 plates of food and a huge fuckoff bowl of ice cream. UGHHH.
I'm going to blackpool tomorrow so I know I can't eat if I'm going on the rides cos I'll hurl, so I'll just... yeah I'll fast tomorrow and the day afetr and keep up the walking/running till I feel better about this weekend.

The bracelet project

The bracelet project has now been expanded, you can add different coloured beads to your bracelet and show who you really are, but only to people who understand. The way this works is if you see someone with a beaded bracelet of any of these colours that seems home-made or deliberate, you catch their eye and point to your bracelet. If they nod, they're part of the bracelet project.

I'm updating my bracelet as soon as I can, the one I have is too big now!

FASTING!

So I started this last night at about just before 9, so call it 9 oclock. I'm aiming for 36 hours at least,I'm already down 14, does anybody want to join in? I have kik now too!
If you want to join me, either comment or kik me, and we'll help each other :3
Kik: LozziiRawr

Sooooo.. this has absolutely nothing to do with Ana but I need help..

Right lovely ladies... I need some advice.

A male friend of mine(we'll call him S) recently confessed that he likes me, but me and his best friend(we'll call him D) only broke up a few days ago (for the 2nd time in 1 month). He wanted to wait before he told me but he'd been harbouring the secret for a few months and wanted to get it off his chest for a while. 

The thing is, S was there for me more than D over the past few months. S supported me when I'd had a bad day and D was too self absorbed to care and just told me to get over it, or talked about how shit his day had been, meaning he hadn't done anything and had been bored all day. S even took my side when D cheated on me then broke up with me, just after our anniversary, by text and with phrasing that made me feel like it was my fault. (he didn't confess to the affair until a week after, when I'd calmed down over the matter, which made it all come back again.) S helped me regain my confidence to face the world again. I don't depend on him, please don't get that idea, but he's sweet to me and always makes me smile, he's a true gentleman. We get along really well, and we always have something to talk about, whereas with D it would always be music filled quiet, or talk about him and his 'horrible' life. 

I am beginning to feel like I have feelings for S, but I don't want it to be a whole rebound situation. I'm definitely over D, we got back together and I called it off because it just didn't feel right, I didn't have any emotional attraction or trust with D anymore, yet even at that time I felt I could trust S with my life, and there may have been an attraction there that I didn't notice.. 

I don't want S to think I only like him because he likes me, or that I'm rebounding onto him. S has said he would like to be friends as we are now and his feelings not interfere with that, so I was thinking maybe give it a few weeks and see if I still feel the same? Or should I jump on the opportunity while I still have it?

I just don't really know what to do, this hasn't actually happened before..

so I did a lot of comfort eating..

I ate two sandwiches, a chocolate moose, and 3 chocolate teacakes today. I was severely upset because my dad pretty much said I was going no-where in life. I tell you what though, pretty soon I'll be going far away from him. I swear I don't have to put up with this shit..
Someone join me in a 3 day liquid fast? :)

Dairy only diet from now until the 14th! and Photos :)

Okay so I've screwed it this weekend, not sure if I've gained or lost and to be honest I don't wanna know. I scare myself sometimes.
I'm doing a dairy only (with the odd fruit and sugar free energy drink) for the next two weeks, because I'm going to a wedding soon! I wanna look good :)
I'll keep you updated with how it goes!

Photos for the start of july <3

How to hide it.

I've recently had to use a lot of these.

FROM PARENTS AND FAMILY
1. Eat in your room wherever possible.
Make an excuse like you have homework, you need to research something, or you want to watch something on your TV while you eat. Take the food upstairs and every ten minutes tip a quarter of it into a bag/bin you keep in your room. take the plate down when it's empty, with a little bit left on it (so they think you're full).

2. When family aren't around, prepare food, leave the dishes near the sink and dispose of the food in a way that it won't be found. As before, leave a bit of food on the plate, so that it seems you have a small appetite.

3. At weekends and during the holidays, spend as much time away from home as possible. Tell friends you ate at home, and parents you ate with friends.

FROM FRIENDS:
1. When out with friends, mention that you ate at home before meeting them, but only if the subject of lunch/dinner comes up. Don't be the first to bring it up. Say you ate something you wouldn't actually touch, like take-away, cake, crisps etc.

2. Say you ate a really big breakfast, like a full english, or a sunday fry up, and you're full

3. Keep antacids around to keep the growling from your empty stomach from becoming noticable. You can tell friends that you have heartburn from a spicy meal.

4. Chew gum! Then if you're offered food you can decline, food tends to taste really bad when you have a minty taste in your mouth.

AT SCHOOL/COLLEGE/WORK
1. Spend next to no time in the canteen area wherever possible. Go to the library or the nearest clothes shop and distract yourself.

2. Drink coffee! You can tell people you're not hungry from breakfast but drinking a hot drink will give them affirmation that you're looking after yourself, and it will give you energy.

3. Socialise. Keep yourself busy all through your lunch break so you don't have a chance to break your resolve.

AT THE DOCTORS:
1. Drink plenty of water before you go. This will help flush the ketones out of your bloodstream, give you a bit more weight from the tanking, and prevent your stomach from rumbling.

2. Dress warmly, your temperature will be higher.

3. Do something stressful immediately beforehand to raise your blood pressure.

4. If you're having a blood test, eat something small but nutritious (like fruit or yoghurt) within a few hours of your appointment - your mineral levels will be closer to a normal rate, since you should have been fasting for the whole morning before the bloodwork is taken.

I hope these help, I know they help me all the time.

Update after a long absence

So I've been away for a few weeks I think, and I'm sorry it's took me so long to get you all up to speed.. I've recently done an accidental 5 day liquid fast, because me and Dan had a big barmy and we split for a few days. We're back together now which is why I have the emotional strength to get to a keyboard! I'm secretly happy though, I lost 8lb in 5 days, so I'm going to start doing this every week! Not the split, but the fasting. I didn't even feel hungry to be honest, just lost...

My hair started falling out because I wasn't eating anything, I had exams, I wasn't sleeping and I wasn't taking my supplements, so I've had a weave put in to hide it.

Size ten skirt is now at least 2 sizes too big, it just hangs off. The photo isn't good enough quality to tell but my ribs and spine are more visable, and my ribcages protrude much more above my stomach than they did last week.

This was taken 2 days ago, during my accidental fast (The smile is fake I was BROKEN without the stupid dope I call my boyfriend) and my legs looking so much smaller than they have done actually cheered me up a little

mostly milk diet haha

Today I've eaten a meat and potatoe pie from greggs, quite a bit of chocolate, and practically my weight in 99% fat-free milk. I feel brill. I had a bout of food-poisoning over the past few days, I'm never trusting the school salads again... I filled in on my data collection that I have a gluten sensitivity so they won't let me eat bread or pasta in school now. Thank god!

Photo update time!

I appologise for the minor bloating - its that time of the month, and I've eaten a lot of chocolate :(

I love this food. I got a pack of cinnimon cornmeal, 420 calories in a 120g pack, it says cook the whole pack with 2 cups of water, but if you cook 1/4 of the pack with 1/4 cup of water, it becomes really thick and yummy, for 105 calories, and its so filling you won't even finish it all! I made the whole pack because I felt like binging on something that was relatively low cal for how much there is, and I only ate about 5 teaspoons and I was full! Seriously, try it. If you use MFP you can log it as half a serving (1 pack = 2 servings), its always best to count the calories that were in the whole meal even if you didn't finish it :)

Photoshop thinspiration!

Right, we all love to feel thinspired, but looking at other women can get a bit old, we feel jealous and upset, all that drama. an easier way is to photoshop a picture of yourself until it looks realistically skinny and you can look at it and say 'that will be me one day soon.' It works best next to the original photo. Here's mine:

Its easy to tell which one I'd rather be!! 

Regrets..

Okay I should have listened and NOT eaten the banoffee pie... No I've not gained, and it didn't trigger a binge, but I forgot what eating cream does to me... lets just say nobody can stand to go anywhere near the bathroom now... yuck. Well... my fast is going well, no solid foods (apart from a bite of scrambled egg white) since yesterday :)

after the pie.

I ate 1/4 of the dish I posted a picture of (which is a small bowl to begin with, can't even hold a tin of soup) of banoffee pie. that totals about 350 calories max, considering the chocolate is sugar free and the cream was low fat single - I asked my dad. Now I've had it, I'm starting my fast. I've noticed I do better if I indulge before hand, so this is my new method - I will eat something with chocolate in before I start :)
Don't try this if you think a sweet food will trigger a binge, or if you have cut all sugars out of your diet!

Hmm..

Soo... anyone who follows me on tumblr will know I'm currently eating a huge bowl of bannoffee pie with extra chocolate drops... i know its so bad, but its been like 3 months since I've had a proper sweet treat. I am enjoying it, since after it i'm starting a 48 hour fast. I have earned this.

Not too bad I suppose....

So I did all my swimming and walking today, and I did a bit of cycling for daniel.
Then came the food. I finished my 24 hour fast at 8pm with 3 slices of pizza. Not a particularly good choice, but apparently cycling makes me crave junk. Ah. Then I had a whole bag of microwave popcorn which was a lot healthier than I'd thought at just 140 for the whole bag (I'd expected about 300-400 before you go mad saying 140 is too much) and then a couple of digestives. This took my net up to -218. So still a negative, also taking away the 1400 ish I'll burn just being alive, I'd say that isn't too bad a total.
Doing another fast tomorrow which will NOT end in a binge - I have soup and eggs on standby.
Wanna join?
Email me: laurenmahon2009@live.co.uk
I'm starting now, but feel free to join along the way, more people means more motivation!!! <3

Swimming!

I love swimming. 10 calories a minute! Yes. Please.
Anyway, I did 85 minutes of swimming and a bit of walking and so far my net is -900 and something (Can't be bothered to check the exact number) due to a 0 intake.

I have a bet with the lifeguard, if I can do two miles on sunday, he's gonna buy me a coffee when I'm dry and dressed. Haha I love my town!
I forgot to pack my underwear though, cos I had my swimming costume on under my clothes for ease. Oops. I got the bus home because when I walk bra-less, my nipples hurt. TMI, but its true - NEVER forget the rest of your clothes! Thankfully I was wearing a loose top and a comfy big jacket.

Going strong on my fast, I did 24 hours then broke with 4 bites of fish and chips, I think I mentioned that last night but I can't remember.. but yeah, I'm 17 hours in and not even hungry!

Couldn't be bothered with photo updates, I feel chunky... I'll update them when I have a better self image, so probably at the end of this fast :)

Week off school!

Well, I'm at 8st13, 125lb. But this gain is literally because of muscle exercises that have caused a lot of muscle gain on my calves, so I'm quite happy about it.
I've had a really good day today, no drinks other than water and sparkling water. Todays total is:
one bottle of sparkling water: 0 cals
4 bites of fish and chips dinner: 71 cals.
Exercise (according to MFP) = 319 cals
Total: -248 cals :)

Happy happy!

Anyway, I have a week off school now, and I'm going swimming tomorrow morning then tidying my room, before I go and meet Daniel later. I'm looking forward to whatever weight loss may occur this week, as I tend to eat less in the holidays!

Photo updates will arrive later today.

Hmm..

Didn't do too badly today for the most part, i had two slices of ham and two bottles of water through the day, and had 4 digestive biscuits about an hour or so ago at Danny's. Less than 400 cals for the day, with a net of -200 because i did most of my three hour art exam walking around :3

Right so I've heard of this '5 Bite Diet' and its a commercial fad diet, but its basically us in a nutshell. Its what gastric bypass people are told to live like, and this is a so called 'mental gastric bypass'. Since its a commercial diet you can probably tell people about it so they won't get you to eat, that is if you are a known fad dieter like me!

it works like this:
5 bites of lunch
5 bites of dinner
all the calorie free drinks you'd like :)

I'm probably going to do this. plus you could possibly stretch it to 10 little nibbles per meal if you're being watched, then complain of stomach ache!

As Promised!

I said I'd show you some of my art work, so here is the stuff I found in my art folder that I liked and decided to show you all :)

^For an art project

^During my obsession with Slender... In my Maths book xD

Another art project draft

In other news, my weight is back up to 126lb *sob* but thats mostly because of my over-eating... Once I cut that habit I should be able to get back down... although for the moment, what with all my exams, I might just try to maintain... not sure

Posting on a good day :)

Well today makes a change since I've noticed I usually only update on bad days... WELL!! lets be positive eh? going to the shop in a minute to buy a can of diet coke before i go out, haven't touched carbs except for a few crackers, I've had a lot of ham though, but it has no carbs so no worries :) redid my ana bracelet on elastic so it actually can come off when I go into PE rather than me getting into trouble.. Had a lot of exams which is why my fasts have failed, I've been too stressed. I have 3 hours of art tomorrow for my art exam, whoo! I just need to do all my work in silence with no music. blah. I'll manage! so many ideas! I might upload some of my work actually... I will do. I'll post some that I already have tonight, and then some that I did in school tomorrow :)

Lots of smiles!
Still going to take my anti-depressants though, they diminish my appetite haha :)

Love you all
Stay Strong
Think Thin
Be Beautiful <3

Hmm...

I've realised I only seem  to post on bad days.. you must have a horrid view of me! I should start posting on good days too I suppose... Well I'm going swimming on thursday since the boyfriend is having a Lad's night without asking me if its okay to move our movie night... oh well! I'm at his friday night anyway, so it should be fine :)
I've eaten quite a bit today but I've actually felt hungry to eat it, which is good I suppose... Metabolism must be up! and I only ate til I was satisfied, no bloatedly full, just... not hungry anymore haha :)

Swimming today!

Right well, me and Nikkii (aka, little-gap) are going swimming today. I'm eating whatever the fuck I want, its weekend and I've had my period for 12 weeks running now. I DON'T CARE I'm still gonna lose. Its simple.
I'll update tomorrow for my weekly weights and measurements, possibly photos too :)

Not a good day..

So for the past 2 days I've eaten <20g carbs a day and <200 cals. until 5pm this evening. My friend wantedto go to the shop because she was hungry, but she didn't want to go alone. I had £3. BAD IDEA. I bought a chocolate flapjack, a pot noodle and a huge bag of cheesy crisps. Fuck. I ate it all as well. Ughh... Still kept my net calories below 500, but my carbs skyrocketed... bye bye ketosis :(
I WILL get it back.

You guys..! Just love.

Seriously, I love you lot. you have no idea how much it cheered me up to click on my account and see 173 pageviews for the day! I just can't say how much you guys cheer me up without even knowing it, so I'd like to thank each and every one of you that is reading this, you've given me the boost I need to work my ass off tomorrow, and I won't let you down. You guys, YOU are my motivation <3

Hmm.

Well, like I said, over the past few days I've well and truely fucked it. but, I will get back on track - eggs and ham for the next week or so :)
This picture has just cheered me up, I can see my weight loss clearly :)

Also, down to 55kg :)

Guhhhh...

Not pleased with this weekend AT ALL.
Ate practically everything in the house. Fuck.
Starting on a fresh leaf on monday and not eating for 26 hours (Now till bedtime monday night) except for chewing gum and diet coke. Yum.

I feel like a fucking whale, and so I should. ARGH.

Photo update time!

Well, its week number I-Don't-Fucking-Know, I've lost track haha, but here's some photos of my progress. Keep believing, keep going, and eventually it will come.

I'm 3kg down since my last photo updates, but I can't tell where its from... Oh well!!!

Hmm... Mary Kate Challenge

Period + Mary Kate Challenge = Low Mood due to low points and weight loss extreme... cool!
I've been doing the mary kate challenge for 4 days now, and I've lost 3kg (6.6lb) I'm down to 123lb, 56kg :)
I've been fluctuating a lot due to eating and period stuffs, but that was the most common weight today.

if anybody wants to try it, here's the points system:

Mary Kate Challenge
Calorie Intake:

0-200 = 10 points
201-350 = 8 points
351-500 = 5 points
501-600 = 3 points
601-750 = 1 point
over 750 = 0 points



Exercise:
none = 0 points
15-30 minutes = 1 point
31-45 minutes = 3 points
46- 1 hour = 4 points
1 1/2 hour = 6 point
2 hours = 8 points
2 1/2 hours = 9 points
3 or more hours = 10 points

Water:
0 glasses = 0 points
1 glasses = 1 point
2 glasses = 2 points
3 glasses = 3 points
4 glasses = 4 points
5 glasses = 6 points
6 glasses = 7 points
7 glasses = 8 points
8 glasses = 9 points
9 glasses or more= 10 points

Sleep:
8 or more hours = 10 points
7 hours = 8 points
6 hours = 7 points
5 hours = 5 points
4 hours = 4 points
3 hours = 2 points
2 hours or less = 0 points

add up your total points each and every day, then add them at the end of the week. try and get more points each week, or as close to 280 (The max weekly total) that you can :)

Its that time again...

I won't be weighing myself for the next week, nor will I be fasting, or sticking to any set diet. I will be restricting, as usual, but its that time of the month, and I'm anaemic so I'm going to need the meat and protein and shit like that... I altogether feel like crap to be honest. Hence why I haven't updated in a while, I just feel shitty.

Weigh in :) and suggestions?

Well, considering I had a crappy few days and I've been feeling like shit, I'm quite proud. I've gone back down past GW1, to 126 lb! Thats the lowest I've been!

Also, I'm considering making a recipes page, but I don't know that many recipes D:
If you lovely ladies could help by emailing me suggestions, I'll credit you and link your blog :)

Today has been.. Eventful.

Well, today I saw my cousin for the first time in ages and we just sat and smoked for like half an hour! Haha we're so lame. Oh well!
Weighed myself today, however I was in a rush this morning so it isn't very accurate. But considering I was 9 stone 1 lb last time I weighed, and I've binged like fuck since then, 9 stone 3 after a day of eating pretty regularly and drinking shitloads of water isn't that bad. I'll stick at a veggies only diet for the next few days.

I finally got round to making my ana bracelet!! It has one blue bead in it, since I have tiny mia tendencies (Lax and enemas, I can't make myself vomit cos I absolutely cannot get up more than a few tiny chunks) and one very dark red bead that looks black, since I do punch myself when I eat too much..

Here it is:

and also, collarbones. I'm determined to make these better!!!

 Now, have some thinspo x

Ughnn.. 30 calorie recipe included!

I've been feeling really shit for the past week or so, hence the delayed updates. I've been gorging myself practically every day! D: I'm gonna get back on track with a liquid fast and a couple laxatives tomorrow to get the excess backed-up food out of me, not had a real bowel movement in over 4 days which is weird considering how much I've eaten..

Made an experimental but really delish and filling salad today. 1/2 a cucumber, 1/8-1/4 of a carrot, 1 and 1/2 apples and 3 large stalks of celery, all chopped up into very small pieces and mixed in a tub, makes about a litre of salad, and its only 120 calories for the whole litre! but who's gonna eat that much huh? lasts about 4 days, about 20-30 calories a serving depending how big you have it, and just a few tablespoons will fill you up cos you have to chew like mad. It tastes really good because the apple has the strongest flavour, making the rest of it quite sweet with very little cost calorie-wise! Try it, you'll love it!

 I'll start a recipes page and add this :) feel free to email me any suggestions!  Lozziirawrr@hotmail.co.uk <-- I'll always answer, just drop me an email! <3

Gonna weigh myself in the morning, I've been putting it off for a while.. but my blazer for school has gotten humongous on me over the weekend, so I dunno...

These photos of me were all taken within the last 3 days.

The basic belly shot I showed you all a few days ago, why not! I can see the difference, but it's not good enough yet.

Thighs and thigh gap, hitched my skirt up further in the next photo

Please excuse the ugly birthmark!

So much fat on my arms its unbelievable...

Can tough my fingers around my thigh above my knee! Trying to be able to do this further up but it's proving very hard...

Taken on monday when I was ill with the flu <3 hello kitty

Can kinda see my ribs in this which I really like because my webcam is shite!

Collarbones...

And again..

Ribs!

Too much fat on my stomach..

Me and all my fatty glory...

Thinspo Time!

Yes I know, its failice, but you have to admit she's pretty damn amazing body wise, even if her personality is probably as bad as hitler...